Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day tomorrow so I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a good mamma and about women in general. There seems to be a simmering movement of women supporting women right now and it's a beautiful thing. I can't imagine where I would be without the incredible women who have been in my world.

Life is messy and busy and beautiful and heartbreaking. It rarely goes as planned. Mothering is no different; it's so important and rewarding but is not always easy. There is enough intrinsic guilt built into it by design so when external opinions and judgements creep in, it's horrible because you just want so badly to do it right.

Breast fed or bottle? 

Babies need food. Did you feed them? Milk in some form? A vegetable or piece of fruit every now and then? Good for you. (FYI, fruit roll ups ARE fruit.....)

Stay at home parent or working parent?

Babies need routine and security. Did they have a safe place to play and learn? Awesome. Mine ended up with broken bones and stitches and snuck out at night as teenagers. Yours did/will too.

Navigating the space between keeping them safe while also giving them the freedom to grow outside of your shadow is a very delicate balance. I was not always good at this but kids have a way of taking what they need when you're unreasonable.

I stayed home with my darling brats until they were in school and breastfed a long time. It was the right choice for me. My sister-in-law (Hi Shonna!) went back to work when my nieces were a year old and that was the right choice for her family. My Mom worked when my brothers were small and stayed home with my sister and me. She chose to breastfeed in the 60's when people thought it was disgusting. See where I'm going with this?

Shonna was my birth coach with Jack. Did our different mothering styles matter in that moment? Not even slightly. Having a woman support me through childbirth was a primal and beautiful experience and I'm so grateful for it. 

My point? Everybody turned out just fine. My nieces are A M A Z I N G  young women and my nubbins appear to have survived  as well. We're all doing our best and have the same goal - happy, healthy kids. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mammas out there. Well done. 

It Takes A Village

"It takes a village to raise a child is an African proverb which means 

that it takes an entire community of different people interacting with children in order for a child to experience and grow in a safe environment. 

The villages would look out for the children."

I'm sure everyone has heard the adage that it takes a village to raise a child. I raised my brats for the most part in a small village in the Interior of BC and I can tell you this is true. The people of that village who knew my kids really loved them - they celebrated victories and provided support during difficult times. They also handed out discipline when required, likely more than I know. I remember when one of the RCMP officers who knew our family saw them on rooftop downtown, he didn't call me, he didn't give them a lecture.... he said... well, I won't say what he said but he dealt with it. 'Nuff said. (It involved the words "stupid" and "fucking" and "kids")

The Fire Hall was a big part of our world when we were raising our kids. Their Dad was a volunteer with the department and the kids played there, helped out and it was a part of the fabric of our life. They learned about service to community, dedication of friends and how love, respect and loyalty matter. My Jacky attended the Nova Scotia Firefighters School and I have no doubt the experience from home helped to guide that decision and his absolute passion for the work. He has been fighting forest fires here in BC this week. Let me tell you how that unfolded....

Barb saw an ad for a company hiring firefighters and sent it to me for him.

Tracey helped find him a place to stay where the company is based because it's her home town.

Louis gave him A CAR.... because he needs one right now.

Here's the most beautiful part - our entire province is on fire and where was Jack deployed? To the hometown where he grew up, to the village that helped to raise him. This is the place that helped him to develop the qualities required to do this job that he loves so much. 

He wears a necklace everyday with the GPS coordinate from this community, because it's where his roots are. Honest-t0-god it just about makes my heart explode. Thank you Nakusp.

Kintsugi and Gratitude

Kintsugi is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. This repair method celebrates each artifact's unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with new life.

The past few weeks have been full of unfolding insight, jarring recognition and soul filling gratitude. I feel myself tentatively peeking around the corner and it's a little exciting. Nothing big or life changing has happened, but a corner has been turned. Indifference is in the rear view mirror and I'm finally for the first time in a long time excited about life. Is it the amazing Okanagan sunshine? Could it change drastically with the first snowfall in a few months? Maybe. Feel free to rub it in my face if that's the case, but for now I'm gonna be happy.

7 years ago (thank you Facebook memories) I left my home of 20 years for an exciting life change that was a devastating failure in one sense and the launching of incredible, unexpected things in another. It was a beautiful disaster and, while it broke me more than I thought was possible, I feel the cracks filling with gold and I don't think I'd change a thing.

4 years ago I began training for a job that has become one of the most meaningful experiences of my life - only motherhood beats it. I have the privilege of serving my community and society in general and was born to do this work. I feel it in my bones and I don't take it for granted for a minute.

My adult kids are squished in with me for the summer and it's amazing. It's almost certainly the last time the 4 of us will live together under the same roof and I never imagined I would have the opportunity to experience that again in this lifetime. We are surrounded by the love of friends and family (SO MUCH LOVE) and I'm incredibly grateful because that love is the gold that has helped us to all be OK through some difficult times.

I'm learning that gratitude is a choice. It's a lens to view your world through and it's a balm for the soul. It just feels better when you open your eyes in the morning and take a moment to think about what's good. Being grateful doesn't mean everything is awesome. I worry about a million things and am bitter about others. Some people have it much better than me.... others have it far worse. It doesn't matter. It's about the lens you view it all through. My mother taught me how to use that lens and my father carries on her legacy in that regard.

I have felt broken and unworthy for far too long and I feel that shifting in a powerful way.
Kintsugi.

Barb.... again.

I've posted about Barb before but when I saw these words today,  I was reminded of her and I knew that I needed to write about her again. 

Like most people, I have a tendency to  beat myself up. A lot. When something goes wrong in my world I immediately look to see what I've done wrong in the situation (which is healthy) then proceed to crucify myself for it (which is decidedly unhealthy). 

Barb is my 'go to' person. I know that if I deserve the flogging, she will tell me straight up what a dumb ass I am. But 99% of the time, instead of beating me up she gently shines a light on a different way to view the situation and helps me to re-frame the story in a way that encourages me to be gentler with myself and move forward in a constructive way. I know she does this for her children and for many other friends in her life as well.

This is pretty incredible in itself, but there's more. Barb has been through hell for over two years now. Hell with extra sprinkles of hell-ish-ness trickled on her hell. She's a warrior and has a quiet strength that is inspirational. Even in the midst of everything on her plate, she still finds a way to be my cheerleader on a regular basis when I need her. 

Barb has driven hours to be by my side when I've been broken. She's made me laugh when I couldn't stop crying. She's taken me to Vegas. She's helped me to see the best version of myself. She's my biggest fan. 

She is always 100% in my corner and the world would be such a better place if everyone had a Barb (but you can't have mine). 

Walking For Lily

Today was the Kelowna MS Walk, a fundraiser for the MS Society. People have been so generous - we raised $350 which is amazing. Thank you so much to the people who donated and thanks also to the ones who sent encouraging messages of love on Facebook when I posted about the walk. A description of the photos above:

Top left: The bibs we wore (so we could FEEL like marathon runners while only walking 5k). On it we wrote who we were walking for

Top Right: Me with my Mamma, many years ago

Bottom Left: My goofy Mom on the left with her sister, the ever-amazing Aunt Gay

Bottom Right: My girls. Jennifer and Tracy (also known as my Taco Sisters) and my feisty wee daughter who is a Taco In Training (almost used an acronym for that - it didn't go well)

MS has been a devastating force in my world so it felt good today to do something positive around it instead of just being cranky and feeling robbed. Jen and Tracy were there because that's who they are....amazing women who have supported me in a million ways, this just being one of them. Gigi was there because she's my ferocious sidekick, always.

We did the full 5k (yay us!) and only got lost once. We went for brunch afterwards (who knew that Eggs Benedict Poutine was a THING, people???) and I may have had a mimosa. It was a beautiful day with beautiful women honouring the life of my Mom who was the most important woman in my world - what a wonderful world.

*Today's large font brought to you by Barb 

for 2 reasons* 

1) She has developed old-lady-can't-see-without-my-glasses vision.

2) She loves being named in my blogs because she's a diva and I adore her.

The Payoff

Soooooo..... the payoff. Before we talk about 'the payoff', I'll have to do a quick summary of the past two-ish years. (Spoiler alert and summary for those who don't like reading - happy, tortured, excited, devastated, hopeful, happy, etc).

2014: Kids, work, life, laundry. Groceries....more groceries, then laundry again. Laughter, anxiety, love, life-out-of-control. 

2015: New beginning, dream job, David (oh, David). New city, empty-ish nest (bigger ouch than I understood at the time). Heart break. Shell shocked. Zombie Suze.

2016: Workaholic. *Sob* Blur.  "Barb, I need your couch AND POTATO CHIPS! Carbohydrates will make it all better, I KNOW IT."  Magnifying glass on my soul, owning my shit. *more sobbing* Owning it for real.

2017: Realization that carbohydrates aren't the answer (but oh, so fucking tasty). Substitute treadmill for carbohydrates and crying. *Tiny Sob* Healthier both emotionally and physically, and oh, is that a light at the end of the tunnel??

The payoff is that I've worked my ASS off (literally and figuratively) to be happy and healthy and guess what y'all? I am happy *Smiley face instead of sob*. I saw a photo of myself from the weekend and thought to myself "Holy cats - I look genuinely happy."

I've learned so much and I'm a better person for it. I feel whole and content. I've figured out what I want and I'm learning how to get it. I've created space in my life for the beautiful people who I love. I have amazing friends who have endured and loved me through my gross sob-ish-ness, happy children, the best family ever, a good job and a stable life. 

I am so incredibly grateful for it all, even the awful stuff because it's what has brought me to this point. 

This is the payoff.

This Guy

(Susan, Randy and Al)

I've blogged about Randy before - he's been one of my best friends for almost a decade and has been a rock for me during that entire time. He's been there for my kids too in a huge way, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Do you know how rare that is in this life?

Today is his birthday so I'm taking a moment to celebrate him because he's one of the most remarkable men I know. He's strong and determined and generous and funny as fuck. He calls me on my shit which I value more than I can say.

Last night Gigi and I were invited to a dinner party in his honour with his wife Deanne and two of his best friends from childhood, Al and Andy. I asked what I could bring and he jokingly said "An ice cream cake with 'Happy Birthday Dick' on it". Who am I to get in the way of a birthday wish? The ice cream cake store did not disappoint when I made it clear that the birthday boy was not named Dick.

(Susan, Handsome Randy and Al-the-photo-bomber)

So....Happy Birthday Randy. I'm so glad you're in my life (and the life of my brats). Love you to bits, brother. 

Playing It Safe

Ok. This is the second blog in a row that opens with an internet meme/quote. I'll try not to make it a habit. If I do, please feel free to gather my loved ones and stage an intervention. Please. PLEASE.

In all seriousness, internet memes saved my life over the past two years. Well, perhaps not *literally* saved my life but pretty damn close. I stored them on my laptop, tucked them away at work, in my phone, between pages in books and pretty much anywhere I could have them at my fingertips. They were my go-to whenever I needed to feel grounded or less crazy or laugh or just not hurt for 10 fucking minutes, thank-you-very-much. 

The one at the top of this page is my all time favourite quote. I've had it on my office wall at various jobs for over a decade now, but in truth it applies far more to my personal life than my career. Yes. A ship in port IS safe but that is absolutely not what ships are built for. It would actually be a tragedy to see a majestic, beautiful ship sit stagnant in port rather than be sailed and tested to it's limits.

I'm a bit of a fraidy-cat. I tend to play it safe in life (I can hear Barb in my head right now saying "How's that workin' for ya?") In college, Barb was the first person who really taught me to take risks in life and we had so much fun learning together. Lucky for us, the consequences weren't terribly big at that time. Life saved them for much later, when we were stronger, I suppose. 

I should probably feel grateful but I'm not quite there yet. I do feel snippets of gratitude for those lessons but they still sting. Less than before but they do. I think that as it ebbs, it will create more room for gratitude. Or perhaps the gratitude chases away the sting and I have it totally backwards? I just might be onto something there - I bet there's an internet meme somewhere that will bring me complete and utter clarity on the topic.....

Although it terrifies me, I'm learning that there is strength in vulnerability. It's really the ultimate form of strength, no? When you are strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, that's the sweet spot. When you trust yourself, you know you're going to be just fine no matter what life throws your way.

I vowed that 2017 was going to be better and it has been. I'm stronger, I'm healthier, I'm happier, I'm living. The ship is pulling out of port - batten down the hatches, bitches!

Purpose

I remember my parents asking me when I was small if I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse. I didn't want to be either. I told them that perhaps I would like to be a doctor and they looked at me like I had a horn growing out of my head. Finally I said "I want to be a wife and mom", not by default but because this is truly all I wanted. They agreed this was a good goal to have but that I would need a back up plan, "in case". I naively told them I had no plans to ever be divorced so did not require a back up plan. They cautioned me that life does not always go as planned.

Those words have perhaps been the most impressive understatement I've ever encountered.

I've given a lot of thought to this recently. All I ever really wanted in this life was to have a family of my own and I've always believed that if you work hard enough, you can make anything happen. With love relationships, that theory didn't pan out and it kind of broke my heart..... but in the midst of my pondering, it occurred to me that with motherhood, the love and effort absolutely equalled the 'result'. When I saw the meme at the top of this page, I smiled. I love my career and have worked really hard for it and I believe that I make a difference in the lives of the families I work with, but it's not my reason for being. 

Raising my kids and being a piece in the lives of my step kids, faux kids, nieces and nephews - that is my reason for being. My siblings and friends are the cherry on that awesome sundae. 

I'm not sure I'm meant to be part of a pair. (Bridget disagrees with this statement strongly and insisted that I add this sentence. She's bossy. No idea where she gets that from) I think my purpose in this life has been loving and schmooshing and yelling at all the nubbins I've raised or have impacted in some way. As far as legacies go, for me it doesn't get much better than that. 

NUBBINS EVERYWHERE!!!!!

Female Barthy-ness

International Women's Day; I can be dramatic and intense, I KNOW.... but - when it comes to things like this I tend to be a bit reserved. All I really want to say is this. I come from a long line of remarkable women and I'm beyond grateful for it. Let me tell you a bit about them.

My maternal grandmother travelled across the prairies with the love of her life and 9 children (she ONLY had 9 at the time....) to start from nothing, building a sod hut as the foundation for the farm and the life they were carving together. How brave is that?
When I was 19 I took a leap of faith and left Alberta for British Columbia to a wee town in the middle of nowhere.... 

My paternal grandmother was a piece-of-work and made me feel more loved than I can even describe. She taught me the joy that comes from cooking and the even bigger joy of feeding a houseful of family and friends. I would ask her "How much flour goes in this, Grandma?" and she would cup her hand and say "This much." It took me a lot of years to figure out exactly how much that was.
When my family gathers, I am the lucky one who cooks traditional food for them and carries the recipes in my head.....

My Aunt Gay was a career woman before the phrase existed. She was educated and strong and feisty and independent. She has introduced me to amazing books and amazing drinks (scotch with ginger beer and fresh squeezed lemon....try it, you'll love it) and I'm in awe of her. 
I've worked my ass off to have my amazing career and watching her work her way to the top of her field made me believe it was possible....

My Mamma. Oh, people. If you knew her, you loved her. If you weren't lucky enough to have known her, trust me - you would have loved her. She was gentle and wise and playful and nurturing. She was funny. She taught me how to be a Mamma which is the greatest gift I've been given in this life.
I've raised three remarkable, kind, funny, smart children. Thank you, Mom. You would have loved them....

Today I promise to honour their legacy by striving to provide the beautiful young women in my family the same example that I've been given.

Bridget, Amalea, Raelee, Morgan, Megan - I've got your back, always. 💕